The following is another "Have Fun or Get Out of the Way" column by award-winning Don Leighton and Mike Granlund and their alter egos, Lance Boyle and Billy Pirkola, which runs occasionally in The Superior Telegram.
Harry Chapin of "Cat's in the Cradle" fame once sang, "It was raining hard in Frisco. I needed one more fare to make my night." With those words began the immortal song, "Taxi." What those words have to do with the following story is unclear.
The date was May 3. The location was Fairlawn Mansion, where the greatest crime fighters in Superior were gathered to solve a dastardly deed, a murder so heinous it rocked the sports world.
"Murder Most Foul" and "Murder Most Fowl" have already been taken as literary titles by Dame Agatha Christie and those spoofing her famouse work, therefore, I, Lance Sherlock Holmes Boyle, that is my full name, shall call this gruesome tale, "Green with Rage."
What started innocently as a dinner at the palatial and stately Fairlawn Mansion quickly turned into much more. With the assembled sleuths enjoying friendships old and new, there suddenly was commotion in the room opposite where I sat. Gary Banker began to inform all assembled of the details of a crime that needed solving before we had to leave at 8 p.m.
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The facts: "Marv Kurtson, local golf pro and course owner, has been in a slump lately with his game. Not only has he not placed in any other tournaments, his lackluster performance on his own golf course has brought out the worst in him: breaking clubs, driving carts into ponds, spinning cart wheels on greens and damaging them. He needed a hole-in-one to change all that -- and that is just what he got. One of the early morning groundskeepers found him lying, face down, on a green with a bullet hole in his back. He finally got his hole in one. But, who could have done this?"
As we settled in with a dinner of salad, pea pods, potatoes and chicken breast with sauce, our table of eight, with minds of which Sir Arthur Conan Doyle would have been envious, began to digest the clues given us by our waitress, Barb "Flo" Hoag, and our four suspects.
Each course brought the suspects to each table with more clues to help with our sleuthing.
Ernest Palmer-Steinberg, played by Charlie Glazman, had plenty of motive and opportunity and was equipped with a temper capable of anything. Kurtson made fun of Ernest because he was Arnold Palmer's younger brother but had no skill on the links. Kurtson constantly berated him, and all feared Ernest would snap one day.
Julie Nelson wowed the room as she brought Lucille Prendergast to life. Could someone who had it all, and I mean she had it all, really resort to the violence necessary to kill Kurtson? Kurston was a ladies man and Lucille wanted him to be her man. Jealousy can do strange things to people and bring about violence. Nice socks, Lucille.
Sassie Greene was a local environmental activist who was upset with Kurtson because of the chemicals used to maintain the golf course. Mary Tripp was incredible as Greene. Sassie and Kurston had gone round and round about the chemical fertilizer used on the course. To what lengths would she go to stop Kurston?
Ryla Testee, played by Sue Ryan, had a fetish with golf balls. During a round of golf, Testee would take forever to play nine holes because she was always looking for golf balls. Kurtson told her that she was creating problems on the course, slowing people down. He told her to go home and stay away. In fact, Kurtson had a restraining order placed against her. "I'll show him," she yelled. "He'll pay for this one!" Ryan was so convincing, I was afraid of her.
Four suspects and a dead body with a bullet hole in his back. What a baffling mystery to solve as we enjoyed our dinner. Mrs. Lance was unable to attend, so I was fortunate to be the escort of Moe Miller. Don't tell her husband Dean. I'm pretty sure she told him she had to work late. Other members at our table were Debbie and Jeff Larson, Cindy and Steve Miller (he left the band at home), and Diann and Rob Hendrickson. We were honored to have he who creates these beautiful and baffling who-done-its, Gary Banker, at the head of our table.
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What a great evening. What a great time to see old and new friends. Have you figured out who the killer was? My personal choice was Ernest Palmer-Steinberg, played by Charlie Glazman. Charlie does a great job looking guilty.
I guess the title of this piece could have been "Greene with Rage." Sassie Greene was the culprit. Many had her figured out. I knew it was her all along, but my concern over others won out as I purposely chose Ernest to elevate the confidence and self-esteem of my fellow sleuthers.
The proceeds from this enjoyable evening are contributed to the "Touched by Breast Cancer Golf Classic" which will take place on June 22.
Circle this date in red on your Lance and Billy pin-up calendar and organize a golf scramble team to enjoy dinner, prizes and golf in the "Final Fore" to be held at Nemadji. This is the 10th and final year of this incredible fundraiser to battle breast cancer.
More information will follow bout this event, which has raised thousands of dollars.
For more information call Julie Nelson at 218-343-8738 or e-mail her at julieanelson@charter.net .
Ok. Harry Chapin, Taxi, It was Raining ... etc. Get it? You're right. That line has nothing to do with anything. I just really like that line. Plus, I just wanted to make you think it did.
Opinions and/or story ideas can be e-mailed to dleigh1273@aol.com .
