It was a serious day in the garden. Various vegetables gathered to witness the much-anticipated criminal fraud case against corn. Corn had filed a countersuit claiming defamation of character and vegetative discrimination. These historic proceedings would hopefully answer the question that has plagued the human and plant kingdoms since the dawn of time: Is corn a grain or vegetable? Corn entered the courthouse amid chants of, “Grain, grain, grain,” from the other vegetables in attendance. Broccoli and cauliflower threw quinoa at him.
“Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.” – Confucius Confucius was a big thinker and the idea that beauty is everywhere is a nice, fluffy thought. I appreciate a wide variety of beauty in the world, but there are a few things I didn’t think I’d ever describe as beautiful. A clogged toilet. Soap scum. A dead skunk in the middle of the road. My hair in the morning. Laundry.
The household calendar has been my responsibility for 20 plus years. Any human being in charge of his or her family calendar understands the significance of this duty. The calendar is the helm of the family ship. It steers us in the direction dictated by the day’s agenda. A good captain holds tight to the helm and ensures accurate and efficient schedule fulfillment. Problem is I’m not much of a captain. I’m more like Gilligan.
Dear Diary, I used to write in you each night before going to bed. You were like a best friend forever except you’d never talk behind my back or give out my locker combination. On your pages, I recorded my deepest secrets for posterity, or at least until I broke up with my current boyfriend. (At which point, Dear Diary, I burned you to obliterate those memories forever. Thanks for forgiving me.)
I am clinging to supper like a desperate and damp piece of toilet paper on a slippery sneaker. I hold on by a thin thread of two-ply ultra-soft. My grip is tenuous, yet tenacious. They will not break me. Supper has been a mainstay at my house for as long as I can remember. My parents practiced the meal-time concept up to three times a day and must have passed along the supper gene to me. Unfortunately, I don’t think the DNA transferred to my kids.
I am an inside-my-head type of person. I often have complete and satisfying conversations involving just me, myself and I. My inner monologues can be captivating. (Oh yes they can.) It’s not a case of me being the most interesting person I know — far from it. It’s more about how I process the universe. I have to mull things over in my head like a hundred times. Talk amongst myself. Then they start to make sense. Sort of. Some would say this makes me an introvert, and I guess they’d be correct.
Some inventions are too good to be true. Hotel pool towels aren’t one of them. I’m referring to the thin, white terry cloth impersonators with the distinguishing blue stripe down the middle that possess the absorbency equal to less than half of one side of a Q-tip. Heck, I need two of ’em to dry off my elbow –— and that’s before I go into the hot tub.
My husband and I recently went on vacation. He served as trip photographer because his phone was smarter than mine. I’m in a number of the pictures. You can see me smiling by the pool, standing on the beach, eating lunch on our condo balcony. We took lots of shots. He took care not to put his finger in front of the camera lens. Hardly any of our pictures are blurry.
Superman, Wonder Woman and the Incredible Hulk all possess superpowers, but I enjoy supremacy even greater than X-ray vision, unlimited strength or the ability to fly. My capabilities come from grocery lists in my pocket and canned goods on aisle seven. It’s the power of food acquisition, and I’ve assumed extreme control. Those of us in the know, know it doesn’t get any better than that.
“Blackmail is an act involving unjustified threats to make a gain or cause loss to another unless a demand is met. It may be defined as coercion involving threats of public exposure, physical harm, criminal prosecution or for the purposes of taking the person’s money or property,” according to Wikipedia and Merriam Webster. Under federal law, blackmail is considered a serious crime. It’s a statutory offense, in the same league as burglary, embezzlement and forgery. We’re talking major stuff here.