If Billy gets to be King for a day ...Some time ago, Lance got to be King for a Day and all we really ended up with was an edict to have your hot dogs grilled. Now Billy attempts to correct the world if he were King for a Day by tackling these 10 important issues:
By: By Mike Granlund, For The Telegram, Superior Telegram
The following is another “Have Fun or Get Out of the Way” column by award-winning Don Leighton and Mike Granlund and their alter egos, Lance Boyle and Billy Pirkola, which runs occasionally in The Superior Telegram.
Some time ago, Lance got to be King for a Day and all we really ended up with was an edict to have your hot dogs grilled. Now Billy attempts to correct the world if he were King for a Day by tackling these 10 important issues:
1. The weather. Well, you can’t do much about the weather but we suggest strongly that someone take up this cause. With the Metrodome now the Metrodoom, as it will be dismantled next year, we suggest that the Dome roof (pillow if you will) be transferred to Superior to provide a chance for our local teams to compete during inclement weather. This spring’s disastrous weather conditions make this suggestion a very viable effort to do something about the weather.
The Spartans need a home football stadium anyway, so what a perfect solution to more than one problem. The multipurpose facility could be used for countless events such as baseball, softball, football, soccer, lacrosse, rugby, fencing and even deer hunting with suction-cup arrows.
2. Playground. How about a kids’ playground INSIDE at the Mariner Mall? New Brighton, Minn., has done this with great success. Maybe a “Lego Land.”
Again, it will defeat the weather and do something for the tykes of our area. A tanning booth could be situated next door so people could get a shot of artificial sun each time they came to the indoor playground, thus emulating a true outdoor experience.
3. Christmas programs. Since they are all during the day, how about having them at night occasionally. That way working mothers and fathers would have an easier time attending these great performances.
4. Political correctness. We have stayed out of the nickname debate and also political discourse, but we do think something could be done about the most egregiously offensive moniker: the Washington Redskins.
If the NFL insists on status quo, then we suggest that in alternating years, the nickname of the Washington football team be choosen by those opposed to the present team name. So every other year you may have the Honkies, the Bigots, the Lily Whites or even worse.
5. Hall of Fame selections. How about two of our own finally getting the recognition they deserve. Ole Haugsrud should be in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. His involvement with the Duluth Eskimos and the Minnesota Vikings is enough to give Haugsrud the exalted status.
Superior native Jim Hawkins exemplified the Northland’s work ethic during 40 years of following the Detroit Tigers as a beat writer. The baseball hall of fame would be lucky to get him as a member.
6. Crime. All security cameras would be required to be in high definition. Gone would be the grainy images of criminals in action, replaced by HD pix of criminals with their scars, tattoos, acne, etc. Easier identification of miscreants would speed up the process of justice and ultimately deter potential perpetrators.
7. Gas prices. Gas prices would be frozen at $4. This seems like a high rate and probably it is, but the freeze would last at least 10 years. Each year it would get a little easier to take as inflation makes the prices seem better.
8. Technology. All geeks would be required to take a year off, thus allowing those of us technology challenged simpletons the chance to catch up. Cell phones, texting, Facebook, Twitter, Skype — our generation is trying, but, hey dudes; slow down.
9. More crime. Let’s merge the criminal justice system with the space program. Instead of waiting for a perfect situation and sending our finest astronauts into space, let’s send our worst criminals into space and not necessarily wait for the perfect scenario. If it seems cruel and risky, those criminals should think twice before they rob that 7-11.
10. Food. We live in Wisconsin. More cheese for all!
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