It’s a Northland winter when …

There are at least a baker’s dozen in clues that you may be experiencing a Northland winter.

1. You pack on 10 to 15 pounds in extra layers of clothing, and that isn’t even counting your outdoor garb.

2. You mistakenly believe you should lose weight just hauling around the extra pounds of winter fashion. Instead you discover that you’re carrying at least half of the poundage stripped naked, standing on one foot on the bathroom scale.

3. While we’re on the subject of naked, you are definitely experiencing a Northland winter when your butt cheeks freeze to the toilet seats in public restrooms.

4. You’re best effort to elevate your serotonin levels in the half-light of a Northland winter is less likely to involve getting outside where natural sunlight will hit your retinas, and more likely to involve wrapping yourself in a Snuggie while eating your way to a sugar high.

5. Speaking of food, you may be living through a Northland winter if you heat your plates before dishing up your dinner but the food still gets cold during the trip from your plate to your mouth.

6. You can bet your boots you are living through a Northland winter if there is a small colony of said footwear living in the entryway just inside your door. There are boots for work, boots for dress, boots for comfort, boots for walking, brown boots, black boots, moon boots, bunny boots, zip boots, lace-up boots . . . Dr. Seuss could have written a book about Northlanders’ boots.

7. And then there are the coats. You know you are living through a Northland winter if you have three closets stuffed full with coats. There are probably no more than half-a-dozen coats, but they’re so bulky you can stuff only a few into each closet.

An interesting note — you don’t have as many hats if you are a true, born and bred Northlander. True Northlanders rarely cover their noggins in the cold and you can bet that if you see a hat, chances are good that it’s on the head of a pantywaist transplant or tourist.

8. You may be living through a Northland winter if you are familiar with terms like cabin fever, hoar frost, Snow Belt, wind chill, frost line and broken water main.

9. You are definitely living through a Northland winter if you have your radio alarm set to the station that gives the earliest and most comprehensive list of school closings.

10. You are living through a Northland winter if you can fire off at least ten different descriptions of snowfall conditions including, flurries, scattered flakes, heavy accumulations, blizzard conditions, blowing, drifting, white out, freezing rain, sleet and rain, and mixture of rain and snow. And then there is this creative description that was recently added to the local meteorologists’ arsenal — freezing fog.

11. You are living through a Northland winter when a National Weather Service storm warning sends you running to the store to stock up on necessities — like potato chips, pop, DVD rentals, and not to be forgotten, toilet paper.

12. You may be living through winter in the Northland if your vehicle has a remote start and heated seats. You are definitely living through a Northland winter if you are jealous of your neighbor who has a remote start and heated seats.

13. And last, but not least, the clue that makes this a true bakers’ dozen. You are living through a Northland winter if carbing up has nothing to do with eating spaghetti the night before Grandma’s Marathon and everything to do with pigging out on donuts in the break room.

Judith Liebaert was raised in Superior and now lives in rural Douglas County. She blogs on-line as the Mad Goddess™. Send your comments or story ideas to judith_ann@madgoddess.com.

Tags: opinion, commentary