We will not lose weight this yearThe following is another “Have Fun or Get Out of the Way” column by award-winning writers Don Leighton and Mike Granlund and their alter egos, Lance Boyle and Billy Pirkola, which runs occasionally in the Superior Telegram. I arrived at a very important decision at 10 p.m. New Year’s Eve, when I was almost asleep — many say I am at my best when sleeping.
The following is another “Have Fun or Get Out of the Way” column by award-winning writers Don Leighton and Mike Granlund and their alter egos, Lance Boyle and Billy Pirkola, which runs occasionally in the Superior Telegram.
I arrived at a very important decision at 10 p.m. New Year’s Eve, when I was almost asleep — many say I am at my best when sleeping. I wanted to make a real impact on our loyal readers of Have Fun or Get Out of the Way and give them a valuable and useful gift for 2012. I think I have accomplished this goal, which means I am way ahead of goals accomplished for the year ahead.
New Year resolutions are traditionally made before Jan. 1 and create a game plan for the upcoming year, but the history of the resolution at the beginning of the year goes all the way back to 153 B.C.
It seems the mythical king of early Rome, Janus, was placed at the head of the calendar. You see, Janus had two faces and could look back and ahead at the same time. (Little known fact: Janus was the author of the 1963 hit song by Lou Christie, “Two Faces Have I.”) Suffice it to say, Janus became the envy of all and has been recognized as the ancient symbol of resolutions since that time long ago. (Billy Pirkola can verify this information. He was there.)
The New Year has not always begun Jan. 1. Some countries still don’t recognize the 365-day solar calendar, but follow a lunar calendar, which is based on the regular phases of the moon. This really messes things up since the first day of the year can be anytime from Jan. 19 to Feb. 21.
Back to Janus. The Romans named the first month of the year after him. He was considered the god of beginnings and guardian of doors and entrances. At midnight Dec. 31, the Roman citizenry imagined Janus looking back at the old year and forward to the new. Resolutions were made at this time to put the past behind and the custom was created to ensure good luck in the coming year.
I can hear you all ask, “What does this have to do with anything?”
We all make resolutions every year. Some of the more common ones are to lose weight, quit smoking, quit drinking alcoholic beverages, exercise more, give more to charity and to become a better person. I, Lance Boyle, have decided on a unique way of making and following an important resolution —Leighton is asleep and has nothing to say about this. Since our doctor, Doc Holliday, tells us at each inspection, “You could afford to lose 50 pounds,” I am assuming the leadership in the Lance/Leighton relationship and will not take his advice.
After all, how many of us ever achieve our resolutions that we make for the New Year? Each year I make the promise to lose some weight beginning in January. It hasn’t worked so I have decided to use reverse psychology. By committing myself to not losing weight, I will lose weight! (Remember, Leighton is asleep and knows nothing of this master plan. Don’t tell him. It will be our secret.)
My goal is to average a one pound weight loss each week. By Christmas 2012, I will be slim, trim, healthy, and look like Mark Harmon or Tom Sellek. Wish us luck and join us in our effort to make the world a less heavy place one pound at a time.
Oops, I forgot, the resolution is to not lose the weight.
Those know-it-all Mayan’s better be wrong about the world ending Dec. 21, 2012. I would hate to not make my resolution, because the Speedo awaits.
Happy New Year!
Opinions and/or story ideas can be e-mailed to firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.